So This Week, I Cried

Knowing that your adult children are good people and productive members of society, as well as great parents is a very nice feeling of accomplishment. But having adult children isn't always as easy as it might seem. You still worry, but have no control. You occasionally have your own words thrown back at you and you're rarely prepared for this.

They have their own opinions, beliefs, and prejudices. These sometimes align with yours, but when they don't this is an argument waiting to happen and it is one you can't win. Finally if you choose to do anything that might seem counter to the way they've always seen you - the fallout can be unsettling.

My sons watched their grandmother take care of her parents and their dad take care of her, so it was ingrained in them that they were to be there to take care of their parents. When Ben passed away they (especially my two oldest sons) wanted to take care of me. I think they did not realize how much I took care of their father and also that I mostly grew up taking care of myself. I have my own mind and my own life. No one can live our life for us. I didn't want or need them to take care of me. I didn't want Ben to die, but when he did, after months of mourning, I felt a sense of freedom and a yearning to live my life a different way. I wanted to be surrounded by joy - dogs - friends - creativity, a mutual love that was to be equal - my wants and especially my needs had to be considered.

I lived for 43 years doing mostly what Ben approved of. I don't think all of my sons realized this. It wasn't something that I talked about with them at the time. If I wanted to do something I had to create a scenario where what I wanted was "his" idea. Going to work, going back to school, anniversary gifts, etc. all "his" idea. Also, I was expected to let everyone know it was his idea.

Fast Forward ~ I'm married to Bob, we've sold my house, we've bought an RV, we're planning to leave in said RV to find our forever home once we sell his condo. I love living with Bob in the condo, but it is the home he and his second wife found and bought together. So, I mostly feel like Bob has carved out a Laurie shaped hole in his life for me. (He doesn't feel that way - I do - just to be clear). So as we have Open House after Open House showings, we look online at homes in places we've researched living; mostly Wichita Falls and Fort Worth, Texas. Any further is just too far from my kids and grandkids

Anyway, since I've started going back to therapy, I've cried very little. But lately this week (maybe it's a lack of sleep or the anticipation of my hip surgery or something else ) I have cried everyday this week. My therapist has suggested that I go with the crying - let myself cry and try to identify the emotion behind the tears. Last night, I was finally able to identify the emotion -- it is FEAR.

So, Bob and I are watching a movie that I've seen before, so I'm also browsing my Instagram feed when the "ilovemydachshund" feed pops up. There is the most adorable dapple brown dachsy puppy with blue eyes. I show it to Bob, whose response is, "I'm just not a fan of dachshunds." The horror of it all! Who does not like dachshunds? It's like thinking Asian babies aren't cute. So my fear is that I will never own a dachshund. I've always dreamed of having two dapple dachsies named Waylon and Willie. But my fear also extends to the place we choose to live and the home we choose to buy. I'm afraid that my voice will be quieted and I will be doomed to live the rest of my life in a house I didn't choose - like I lived for 35 years on Milford in a home I didn't want, didn't like, and didn't ever really belong to me. It was forever Ninfa's (my mother-in-law) home and many of the memories haunted that house.

Bob assures me that our relationship is Even Steven, but until we actually begin the search for real and I see and feel with my own eyes and heart how it all plays out, I have fear.

Take a tour of the condo and tell your friends and family to come to an Open House and tell someone to please, please buy this condo! It has a writing loft and a really great view. :0)